for a few hours, it was brightly sunny in the city of seattle. i think it was a glimpse of what summer will be like and holy smokes! it's so lush and green here that when the sun comes out everything glitters. and the puddles reflect the sun!

even though sometimes it causes sadness, i think that this is probably the best environment i have ever lived in. i like the wet and the cold and the darkness, and i love the sunbreaks and how you feel a raging rush of joy when the sun comes through and hits your face, even for a minute or two.

i like that people are bundled up and that their faces are pale and their cheeks flushed, their noses red, lips chapped. i like watching them walk fast, arms crossed across their chests, leaning into the wind.

and everyone has knit caps, everyone wears scarfs or thick coats. people wear gloves and they are elegant despite themselves.

i have been thinking a lot lately and i might have come to a disturbing conclusion:

my old friend e is probably right. there are no morals, any belief otherwise is sentimentality.

i don't mind pretending at them though. somehow i think maybe our characters are tied to how well we reason it out. what i mean is, maybe to the extent that we give value to the (apparently) moral decisions we make, that we suffer over them and make them important in our lives (even though, like everything else they have no transcendental value), is the extent to which we can say we are of good character.

even though saying that doesn't mean anything at all, in actuality.

maybe, though, i am just choosing this position because it relieves me of any real moral responsibility, something that might be worthwhile considering the choices i am making lately.

but, to be fair, the reasons why someone chooses a position, or rather not "reasons" in the "argument" sense but instead in the "motivation" sense, and whether the position is the correct one to choose are two completely different issues.

so,

if i didn't just deny the existence of actual right & wrong, good & bad, i would say that i am probably turning into a bad person.