well. ahem.

i am fresh back to work monday morning and i don't know if i am ready for the week. this weekend was not the best i've had.

i will affectionately remember it as UTI Weekend. it was a weekend full of stress and nervousness, careful watching of every feeling and change in my body, and inhuman amounts of water and cranberry juice/cran-actin.

the worst part was that nothing actually ever happened. i mean, thankfully it didn't happen, but i was nervous and on watch for *it* to happen. but, nothing.

no pain (thank god)

no burning (thank god)

no fever (thank god)

no itching (thank god)

just the annoying urge to pee every 20 minutes or so (why god??)

and though i am feeling a bit better this morning and probably won't have to go to the doctor again (i went yesterday morning, peed in a cup, read an article on moby's festival tour [they still do those?], was told my pee is clear and healthy, was advised to drink more cranberry juice and was on my way), like, what the fuck is that?

it's not as if i really wanted a horrific uti episode, but why the hell did i even have to go through it? this is the second weekend in a row that was a bust for one reason or another. if my weekends keep up this way i am just going to take some huxleyan (i made up a word!) soma friday afternoon and not wake up until monday morning. because fuck this, yo.

i don't remember if i mentioned it earlier, but i got a sweet ass mix tape from one sweet ass girl, which makes for two great mixes in one week or so. this diaryland thing is paying off in spades, i tell you, spades!

i had the most disturbing dream between the 3rd and 4th time i hit my snooze button this morning. i was on this freeway that looked like i was driving through vallejo or something, but i realized i was going the wrong way (which is the only way you can go if you are actually going through vallejo), so i turn around on the gravel shoulder, but as i do, i notice there are two men there arguing in a language i don't understand. then one of the men takes out a gun and blows the front of his face off, there's blood and nose bits everywhere. and then i am in court as a witness, and the man on trial looks just like the man who blew the front of his face off, except his face is quite intact. and i am sitting in the audience bit of the courtroom (just like when i really had to be a witness at a trial, but that's another story, and i don't know if it's worth recounting in this diary) and i can see what the guy on trial is writing on this legal notepad. and it says, over and over again in red ink:

nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me nobody knows me

etc.

and it was in crazy helter skelter writing and i think he may have even drawn some pentagrams all over the page too, but i can't be certain of that.

and i remember wondering, what is this, a made for tv movie? is meredith baxter (berney, i don't care how you spell her last name, HELLO it's meredith baxter burnie bernie berney, berny, etc) going to show up soon? am i on the women's channel? what the crap?

and then the snooze went off again. so that was that.

if you have any ideas what that might mean, have at, because i sure as shit have no idea.

on a much more pleasant note, i did something entirely new last night:

i made a facial mask for myself that involved fresh strawberries, honey, and facial mask clay. i got four big strawberries, cut the tops off, and then mashed them and squished them with my bare hands. let me tell you, people, there is nothing quite like it. at first, it's kind eugh, but then, when the smell hits your nose and the pretty red juice starts to come through your fingers, you really get into it. then i mixed in some honey, a squirt or two from the bear. i don't recommend using creamed honey, it seems like it would be too much. (for those with dry skin, you can always use mayonaise, modeled by our delectable model here.) then i just added the facial clay (burt's bees green goddess mask clay) until i had a nice little paste going. then i spread the whole yogurty looking mess on my face. i kinda looked like carol-anne in poltergeist when she shot out of the ceiling into the bathtub, except it looked less like i had grape jelly all over me and more like i had yogurt with strawberry chunks all over my face. when i washed it off, not only was my skin sweet strawberry smelling and soft, but my pores were refined. that's right, they turned into nice little well-behaved pores, upright members of society, well educated pores.

the only hard bit was making sure i didn't get any strawberry bits in my hairline. because there is no easy way to explain that the morning after. no sir.

finally, i am listening to one of the best mix cds i have ever gotten. you can see the tracklisting here.

it contains number five in what i am calling The Top Five Songs I Would Sing Karaoke if I Were Drunk Enough, which goes as follows, in no order:

1-"dry" or "water" by pj harvey (ice cold vodka shots with beer backs)

2-"halah" by mazzy star (beer)

3-"i've got a crush on you" by ella fitzgerald (red wine)

4-"mojo pin (chocolate version)" by jeff buckley (tequila. given enough tequila, it would be the complete version with sexy grunts and whimpers. rowr)

5-"the rainbow connection" by kermit the frog (jello shots)