i am pretty sure it simply requires a decision of some sort to be made.

but, what is it that i am supposed to decide?

that i am ok being alone? that i can choose to put some sort of positive spin on everything happening in my life?

what kind of decision is that? what is it to decide that it is ok to be alone?

and some things just aren't fucking positive.

am i really to take it that the individual experience of being alive is enough to make everything worthwhile?

it's not that i believe that there is someway to circumvent the singular nature of experience. we are individual consciousnesses, navigating the streets and highways of our lives alone, unable to clue into the constant internal chatter of our fellows as we do. and i am unsure how much i would want to hear of what my boss, or the Co-Worker or my sister or whomever may be thinking.

i don't think that would make me feel less alone. it would, in all likelihood, feed my confusion and shatter my illusions as to how well i am doing at this business of life.

and make it harder to live that constant struggle of being who i want to be rather than what others might expect me to be.

but to have someone to mull these things over with...someone who could understand how to offer a hand when the crashing waves threaten to drown me...this is something that i am aching for and not sure i deserve.

my brother is here, and the fact that i have one shoulder where i can lay my head and take a brief respite from all this is definitely a kind of consolation.

but ask me the last time i cried in front of him.

i can't remember.

come to think of it, i can't think of the last time i really cried either.

i don't think this is healthy, and it worries me no end. i try, but the most that happens is my breathing gets all crazy and my eyes water, but then...

it's gone.

today, i slept until one. and then, my sister felt the need to be my sister all over me. and i had a rough communication with someone i love.

and so, at one thirty or so i went back to bed. until i thought it might be safe to get up. until i could hear only the house breathing, with no taps or footsteps from another person.

it was childish and it was cowardly. it was an admit of defeat.

because, i don't feel like i have a place right now. where i live is not home. the people in my life, with, perhaps, the exception of jon (whom would make room for me in any case), have so much going on in their lives that my voice gets drowned out in the clamor for attention. and this is not something i blame them for. i understand. and i think it's correct.

but it's still terribly lonely.

how do you tell someone you need them without feeling weak?

how do you hug tighter without suffocating them?

is it wrong to want someone to recognize that i am drowning and i need a line, a word, anything, to either give me solace or the strength to just lay it all down?

if i didn't have so much pride, i would just admit that i've lost, that i don't have what it takes to be a part of this.

i haven't the strength to do that, yet.

but i feel the end of my line quickly approaching.