i don't understand what my damage is. i mean, yet AGAIN today i listened to prince on the way to work. in fact i am listening to him right now, my favorite prince album: parade.

but for some reason this just won't come out in a way that i want it to. this is what i know:

i started listening to prince when i was so young i didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about some of the time. i loved '1999' and 'little red corvette' and i knew i got hot when i heard 'lady cab driver', but it was a curious 9 yr old's hot, the same hot i got when i would look at my dad's playboys and hump the carpet on saturday mornings during saturday morning cartoons.

you know, totally innocent. i remember sitting in my then best friend's room, listening to lady cab driver and her looking at me wide-eyed and singing along in a whisper. this is the same best friend explained to me what fred schneider was talking about when he sang "i wanna kiss your pineapple!" in 'strobe light' by the b-52s and that i used to "play girlfriendboyfriend" with, and who got mad at me when i told her i wasn't into it because i had to wear my headgear, when in reality she tasted like milk and i hate milk. this is the same friend who, at like 10?, tied me up with her father's dress socks during one of our girlfriendboyfriend sesh's and then her mom came in and i was like, halfnaked and bondaged with my arms tied behind my back and my legs tied together and a pair of socks shoved in my mouth.

i still have no idea how she explained that to her mom. that girl was one big freak.

but i never thought much about it, kid's experiment and stuff. who knows where she thought of that, though.

come to think of it, maybe that has a lot to do with how i am too. i bet you anything we were listening to prince at the time.

that's because when i was young, more than my parents (not that i grew up in a household with weird sex attitudes: jessica age 7 [probably post playboy carpet humpfest] "mom, what's the name for a girl fag?" "lesbian" "mom, wouldn't it be funny if abbey was a lesbian?" "it wouldn't be funny, jessie, it'd just be life. it's not a bad thing". jessica age 9 or 10, after spending the prior night listening to dr ruth on the radio "mom, when you have sex with dad, do you have oral sex, vaginal sex or anal sex?" "that's none of your business, jessica. that's between the people who do it" "ok mom" EW WHAT WAS I THINKING? THANK YOU MOM FOR NOT TELLING ME EW EW EW EW), more than school sex ed, which i don't even think i had much of at that young age, and more than my friends, it was prince who informed me of the birds and bees.

i mean, it wasn't always an easy thing. the way it usually went was i would listen to the music, and kind of blush and get giggly because despite my bondage-with-dress-socks appearance, i really was a normal kid. i mean, sex stuff made me giggle and kinda hide my face behind my hands (while peeking, of course). i was a normal kid in that i don't remember a time that i discovered masturbation, i think i always did it. but i didn't talk about it much, and i certainly didn't expect it to show up in a pop song.

so i would listen and get all blushy...and then i would listen to it alone...and then i would get all turned on by it...and usually hump my pillow or something.

he first taught me about vehicular sex in the aforementioned 'lady cab driver', and also how beautiful a woman sounds during the act of fuck.

and he taught me that you didn't have to make babies to have sex in 'erotic city', which is, to this day, one of the best songs ever. ever. "you're a sinner, i don't care. i just want your creamy thighs" come ON. come on. one of the best lines ever. i remember i even brought the 12" of that song to a dance at my summercamp so i could hear it, but the fuckin' dj was a prick and didn't play it. something about "kids" and "appropriate" and WHATEVER.

he taught me that masturbation is sexy in 'darling nikki'. i credit him (and my parents' liberal and realistic sex attitudes) with the fact that i have never once, in my whole life, felt badly about beating off. i consider it one of life's pleasures, and necessary to good health. like drinking water, or brushing your teeth, or cranberry juice.

also, it introduced to me the idea of sex toys.

thank you prince.

and he introduced me to the idea of motorcycles being sexy (purple rain). and barns (raspberry beret). and baths with your pants on (the ballad of dorothy parker...great fucking song). and girl on girl action in baths (computer blue).

he also involved in the first time i really saw someone give another person a handjob: that scene where he is getting it on with appolonia, like he's standing behind her and she's wearing that teddy thing because it's a prince movie so she pretty much just runs around in a teddy the whole time anyway, and they are making out in a standing spoon position and then he starts fingerbanging her. man, that scene was the fodder for many nights and saturday mornings to come.

and while we're on the subject of prince's ladies, let's just talk for a small moment about sheila e, a woman who will always, at least to the extent that i love her albums the glamorous life (HELLO IN THE VIDEO SHE GETS BANGED AN ALLEY WITH A MINK STOLE WRAPPED AROUND HER NECK) and romance 1600, be my idol, because she was so fuckin' hot and sexy and she was so tough, and led her own band and she is the baddest fuckin' drummer ever.

to this day, i STILL dance around my room singing into a brush, pretending i am sheila e while singing 'love bizarre' (from the krush groove soundtrack--i know you know what i am talking about). and when the heavy percussion parts start i rival my friend stretch in air drum ability, that is to say, i rule.

but it was all that prince aesthetic, you know? there are so many more songs i could go into, but basically the thing with prince and why he has always been such an important artist in my life, is he's always been really positive. and always really into having healthy, fun, humor filled, wildly erotic, fucking hot sex. and being into yourself and your lover. and being in love (which came later and at the end of my prince era, which spans from 1999 through and including sign o the times).

and strutting your fucking stuff. and being proud of who you are.

that's what he's always been to me, anyhow.

and even when i have had a hard time expressing myself to others like that, and even when i have locked myself away and been a shadow of a memory of myself, at least in private, i could put on his records and dance around and have fun, and beat off and general just live a little while.

so, thank you prince. thank you for helping me feel good about being both freaky and deaky, for looking at things with a little bit of humor, and making me shake that thang like i know i own it.

even if i mainly only do that in private.

at least i used to only do that in private.

well god damn, i guess i got something out about prince. how you like them apples?

i'll tell you this much though: prince's sense of fashion for himself and his whole aesthetic? fucked up.