i have been feeling this sadness since last night. a huge unbearable thing. like being washed under the sea, it's deep and dark and cold. i always forget about it until it returns.

and then it's sink or swim, girl. it's sink or swim.

and like archie in the chocolate war, it's as if there is a black box, with 3 marbles in it. two black, one white. choose a black marble, sink. grab the white one, swim. and i have had this unbelievable streak of white, something against probabilities and reason. by all rights i should have sunk a long time ago. there is nothing about me that entails that i should have had this ability to keep my head above water for so long, treading this way, arms and legs tired, exhausted and burning.

because this deep dark cold is strong. it wraps me up in invisible ribbons that feel as if they will pin me against the ocean floor, it lashes wire against my mouth. everything i say becomes a struggle, an internal argument of words, an overthinking of things that is no good to me or anyone else.

everything looks and sounds and feels as if it is miles away, as if i have taken off my glasses and pushed cotton into my ears. everyone is unreachable and i know i have lost myself somewhere. what is it about this great, wide loneliness that makes everything so far away, so beyond reach. it feeds itself, this dark, sad thing. it whispers in my ear: "don't go, don't try, don't feel, don't speak. just stay here, where nothing can touch you and no one will take notice of you. time will stretch and fold over on itself, and soon enough, you will forget what it was like to be real at all. and then you can sleep."

and most days, i can forget it, i can laugh and smile and think about other things and other people.

but right now my heart is pounding in my chest, and my eyes are full, and i can't let them run over. i can't let this get the better of me, not until after, when i am in my car, on my way home through the mountains. then i'll just pull to the side of the road, lay my head against the wheel and let it pour out of me.

or at least try.

i tried last night, i laid down in bed, and pulled the sheet all the way to my chin. i stared at the ceiling until my eyes dried themselves out, waiting for it to come, what felt like it was going to be a thunderstorm of tears, with shaking and sobbing and a loss of control.

but nothing came.

so i wait. and i fight with myself.

i slowly close my eyes, and rest my forehead against my open palms.

and i listen the soft cadence of my breath.

and i imagine it's the movement of the waves above me, while i lay on the ocean floor.

without a murmur - swallowed by the fracture. anything anything anything to make your heart stop faster. caress the inside like a boxer to the body. until the body drops.--ac