today, i saw it snow for the first time in my life

and it was little itty bitty snow, flying around my car while i was on my way to work,

with erik satie playing, so it was all like i was dreaming

and then i pulled into the parking lot and got out and the snow actually fell on me,

and if i weren't nervous about slipping and hurting myself i would have turned awkward circles with my arms out

but instead i watched the tiny little crystals fall on my arms and sink into my sweater

and wouldn't you know it that on the day it snows on me the first time i forgot my jacket at home?

and also, Hot Exec is still here. his pressence is a contstant annoyance to me, now, indicating that i never loved him, i only wanted to nail him once or twice.

i suppose i should have known this already, and of course my heart never beat with butterflies for him,

but now i just wish he would leave.

and also today, though my back is still sore, it is much better than it has been in days and the pain is not so much it makes me tired and unable to pay attention or feel connected to what's going on around me.

and more than that? i got a package at work today! from niki! they are maps, big maps, lots of them. i will lay them out on my floor and roll across them, i will trace my hand on them and cut them into stationery.

when i unrolled the maps a picture of my brother fell out onto my desk and i almost started to cry.

i want to go to seattle, i think, but i miss him and niki so much. i just can't decide. i know, though, if i go to the bay area it will be struggle, there is very little chance i would be able to get ahead ever, i would be living alone, scraping by every month and i am just not prepared to do that right now. i don't know if i ever want to do that again.

not unless i land a job that affords me that, but i don't think i'm going to move to the bay and hope on that, since the chips are stacked against me what with how much it costs to live there and the cost of rent and everything else.

sad days, but i won't lie: the idea of moving to seattle really makes me happy.

but i do miss you and love you jon, and i miss you and i love you niki, and i hope we are all closer soon.