it's as if we are both conscious of the fact that we have been apart for a year and a half and it's time to make every single word count.

when we laugh, we laugh with our whole bodies.

when we cry, one holds the other and strokes the other's hair with a gentleness that is unlike anything i have ever experienced.

when we talk about shame the other listens, only wanting to let the other sit in and pass through the hurt.

there is no judgement, there is nothing but peace.

when we argue, it's with no pretense and no urge to win, only to understand.

there is no anger, there is only love and curiosity.

these last couple of weeks it has become abundantly clear to me that it is time for me to take steps to make this kind of exchange the only kind in my life.

there is no need for me to not have people in my life that enrich me, that make me better, that love me, that i can count on.

and this is why i am moving home. niki says she is not only happy i am moving home but that she wants to live with me, if we can make it work. marcel was excited and understood in the 4 minutes i talked to him what i meant when i said it was time for me to be with my people. i know that when i finally have time around ken we will build a friendship that is worthwile and strong, for both of us. when i told my sister that i was coming home she basically said it was about fucking time. when i told my mother, she giggled with delight.

i realize that i have been wandering, and i think that is beneficial. i know that i have been lost, and i think the searching has been good for me.

i still don't know what the hell i am doing, but i do have the contentment of knowing i am moving in the right direction, that my decision is correct and that when i pull through i will be so much better for it on the otherside.

i am not afraid of the work ahead anymore. i am excited.

when i look ahead of me i see opportunity and wonder.

i don't want negativity in my life anymore, even if that means that for the time being i am alone.

i feel like i am taking control of my life without feeling as if i am being controling.

things are just kind of slowly and fantastically coming into view, falling into place.