with or without alcohol there's always a moment where i'm completely unstuck from time and have to consult my computer to inform me where i am in my week.

i know normal people don't go through this.

there are no real markers to my time. i have breaks and lunches that are different each day. on my days off i laze about and rarely get out before 4 or 5. now that the time's changed i'll have more daylight before the day ends, but not like normal people.

i don't know if this bothers me so much, but it all kind of slides together and there's nothing really to show for it. i have my life which i am gliding slowly and steadily through. i have laughs with friends both in person and otherwise.

i go home to my solitary studio, i stand in my window and watch cars slip down the street. sometimes i watch the clouds travel across the horizon.

i often feel like i could close up inside myself and disappear. there would be a me-shaped hole in the universe, but there are lots of people-shaped holes left everyday, that's how things swing.

it's so hard sometimes to feel there's any worth to anything, ever. and that's not even a disappointing or depressing thought these days. it just seems how the way things are.

i can't say anything good about emptiness these days. i think i'd rather feel full.

but empty inside is how i feel most of the time. and i don't know that this will ever change. perhaps i am just this way, through experience or nature, it does not matter.

that i am this way seems unlikely to change.

i've moved around enough now to know a change of venue doesn't ever really change anything.