lots of laughing with my friend from work and playing with his little puppies. they make me smile and creep me out a lil bit when they lick my toes.

while i was watching the movie they spent a good 20 minutes grooming my hair. should i have been grossed out? i wasn't grossed out.

i mean, i'm washing my hair when i wake up, big deal, puppy licks in my hair.

eugh. maybe that is a lil gross.

i don't care.

i spent a lot of time thinking tonight when i came home. i like where i am right now. things feel new and comfortable with the people i have been hanging out with. i don't ever feel badly about myself when i am with them, and that's a nice change, really. i didn't realize what i had allowed myself to think about myself, how i have allowed myself to feel--as if i deserved the discomfort and sadness.

i suppose i don't. i forgot what it was like to be around people who were supposed to be my friends without being nervous or on guard or regretful that i hadn't just decided to spend my time alone. it's really different to feel good about myself, to feel pretty and intelligent and worthwhile when i am with people hanging out.

i think the best part was that a few weeks ago i made the decision that i wanted to hang out with people who made me feel good about myself when i am with them, that i was not going to spend time with people who criticize or worry me anymore.

i decided that i deserved to either have positive people in my life or be alone--that feeling badly about myself when i was hanging out with someone was not going to cut it anymore, and that i liked myself enough that my own company was better than that.

i decided that being alone was not as bad as being with someone, even as a friend, who made me feel terrible about myself on a regular basis, whether they realized it or not.

i decided that their intentions didn't matter, that their actions mattered more.

and that the only person's actions that i could control were my own, and that if i wanted better things in my life, i had to demand it.

i realized i had to take my own advice and really live something that i have been telling other people for years: people will treat you exactly how you tell them they can, whether through words or actions.

also, i realized that it's not my job to make sure that people act kindly or positively, that i shouldn't have to be ever vigilant to point out to people when they are being unreasonably critical or shitty.

that i had the right to expect people to treat me with kindness and consideration and not use or take adavantage of me, or criticize me or talk to me in a way that i wasn't comfortable with.

people can act however they want, and more power to them. but i sure as shit don't have to hang out with them if they drive me crazy.

so i decided not to anymore.

and that is that.

i really like the difference. i like the consideration and kindness. i like the way i feel when i go to sleep, lately. it's really good for me.

and the time i spend alone i do so much more with, now. i cleaned my kitchen today and didn't even feel put out about it. i just put on some good music and danced and sang while i cleaned. i scrubbed my sink and my stove and enjoyed the feeling of making things like new again.

minty bean amelia likes to thread herself around my legs while i sing, and sometimes she does this really adorable gruff little bark type thing when i talk to her, it's really one of the nicest things ever.

and sometimes when i go into the bathroom, like i just did to brush my teeth, she wakes up and comes to the door to see what i'm doing and she'll yawn and then do this thing where she shakes her little head so hard it lifts her front paws off the ground.

and then it's all i can do to pick her up and sing little made up songs to her (which no one will ever hear but her, because that's private), and hug her forever.

do you want to hear something really funny about me? i mean, this might really make you think i'm crazy:

two nights ago was the first time i told amelia that i loved her, because i felt like if i said it sooner, it wouldn't be genuine. like, it wouldn't mean anything if i rushed into telling her i loved her.

it had to feel real.