i am afraid that because of this, my soul, which i do not believe i have, is dying.

(and i wish i were loose enough in personality to not have to point that out everytime i use the word "soul" in a non-philosophical sense where it doesn't matter what i believe anyway)

or maybe better, my heart is losing its purpose.

or somehow, i am just becoming less human, losing any beauty that i might actually have.

i want to fall in love with someone.

i want someone to fall in love with me.

i miss the feeling of being understood by someone who makes the tips of my fingers feel alive.

i miss making and collecting beautiful things as gifts for someone who i want to hold close to me.

i miss someone telling me that i make them feel more real.

i don't remember what it feels like to be held.

i am ashamed that i feel this way, i am ashamed that i am not a self-contained unit.

this, above everything else that i hate about myself, is what i think is mostly ugly:

my shame.

but the worst part is, i don't know how to give it up.

i don't know who i would be without it.

sometimes i wake up and i feel so empty inside i wonder how it is that i am still alive.

most days, though, i just wonder how i am supposed to figure out how to just go with it.

i miss being around someone who says they love me, and believing it.