the endless long road got in under my skin and i haven't gotten off it yet.

waiting to get told to leave, waiting to get in my car and find a new place to move to.

i realized this morning, walking up the basement steps that i am pretty sure are going to give at any moment, that i have no anchor.

possibly, there is no such thing as anchor.

i could go somewhere, get my degree, become a teacher, and if it ever happens that there is a shift in the universal paradigm, get married or find a partner, but i fear i would still feel no anchor.

i lived in the same place, in practically the same room, for 20 years. i try to think about that life now and i all i can remember is worry, fear and misery. i worried about the wrong things and i was afraid of the people who were closest to me and i was miserable nearly all of the time.

perhaps my brain connected the two, the misery and the anchor.