i am craving a grilled cheese sandwich something unbelievable.

why?

oh, with cranberry juice too.

CRANBERRY JUICE! i am sorry i have foresaken you, sweet cranberry juice. today, at lunch, ooooooooh in 15 minutes! i will have you again.

and i will cherish you. i will feel you with my lips and tongue and this time, i will never let you go.

sweet cranberry juice.

well, dawgs, last night i watched waking the dead finally.

it ruined me. i had no idea billy crudup was such a good actor. nor did i realize he was such a hot piece of action. i mean, i knew jennifer connelly was the goodies, but billy crudup? nope, never noticed.

BUT CHRIST HE HAS FRECKLES. dark hair+dark eyes+freckles=boing.

that's pretty much the formula.

not that there aren't tons of other formulas, or that i am all that picky. i can find something attractive about just about anyone, if i know them well enough.

but you know. boing.

anyway, i bawled throughout the movie. i mean, just cried. i think there was a total of maybe 20 min during the whole thing where i wasn't at least having tears sliding silently down the sides of my face. and during the parts where you are supposed to cry? holy moly, i was just sobbed.

at first i was like "oh my god, noooooooo! this movie is going to make me all emo again! turn it off! no no!! must remain happy posi jessica!" and then i thought "nonono...this is good. crying is apart of everything. being sad is a part of everything. you want everything don't you?" and then i thought "yeah, i want everything". so i cried like a little kid.

it felt great.

i suspect i have needed to cry for a long time. but i am such a tough-girl, i haven't really. at all. in...years.

that's not the person i want to be.

this has been the big question for days now. since last week's epiphany:

"what kind of person do i want to be?"

i have been very aware of a lot of my actions. i will ask myself, "is that the kind of person i want to be? the kind of person who does x?" if i say no, then i will not do it again.

being aware like this feels great. and for the most part, i think i am just fine.

but there are things to change. there are new directions to go in. there are beautiful things to make. there is better thinking to be done.

and i think living a considered life is key to achieving what i want to achieve. and having the fun that i want to have. and to appreciating the good people in my life.

and to generally live the aristotelian Good Life. which, even if there is no transcendental worth to anything, i still believe is the best way to live, given you have the good fortune to have the opportunity to live it.

and i do.

so i will.

ps: i made a cd last night too. it sure is pretty.