can i just say that i love love love seattle ??

like, i went to central co-op after work and EVERY SINGLE PERSON THERE WAS SO STINKING HAPPY. dood, even the cranky guy looking for the special lightbulbs, he was even happy because the kinda gay dood found them for him.

and the two stoned girls who dropped the glass jar of salsa while they were unloading their cart? they were REALLY HAPPY.

and i was happy listening to them laugh and apologize while they picked up pieces of broken glass.

and me, i was wicked happy to be buying sweet sweet melatonin and a bottle of cheap spanish wine.

and i told the weirdly cute checker with the fire red hair and kinda shaved eyebrows that i have sleeping issues.

and he kinda looked at me with these deep empathetic eyes that said "i understand".

and now i'm happily drinking cranberry juice and listening to m ward, and you should be too.

in other news, i love craigslist:

secretbruises (2:33:07 AM): dood, i just ate a whole container of "chevre"

secretbruises (2:33:23 AM): otherwise known to normal people as goat cheese. dood, why do people call it chevre?

nipperkinny (2:33:23 AM): awesome

nipperkinny (2:33:33 AM): chevre is fantastic

secretbruises (2:33:33 AM): like, are you french? no. are you gay? probably.

secretbruises (2:33:57 AM): yes, chevre is gay, though. goat cheese is what truckers eat

secretbruises (2:34:03 AM): i, my friend, am a trucker.

secretbruises (2:34:11 AM): dood, craigslist is FUCKED UP.

secretbruises (2:34:23 AM): "sad sad song" is so freaking good. crap.

nipperkinny (2:36:54 AM): it really is fucked up ...especially the casual encounters

secretbruises (2:37:03 AM): i have never looked there

secretbruises (2:39:08 AM): like, niki? that would never in abuot 60 million years occur to me.

nipperkinny (2:40:09 AM): i know.. i mean.. i can for a half of a millisecond think whoah.. what if DID that? and then, immediately afterwards, i remember how human beings are totally fucked up and scary and WHY WOULD I

secretbruises (2:40:22 AM): I KNOW

nipperkinny (2:41:23 AM): i mean

nipperkinny (2:41:25 AM): jessica

nipperkinny (2:42:03 AM): people are total sexual freaks in a way i just don't understand.. maybe i will someday.. but not now.. i mean, to the point that they would meet a random freak from craigslist and have a kinky fuckfest with them

nipperkinny (2:42:15 AM): as a fantay, it's okay but in REAL LIFE?

secretbruises (2:42:52 AM): NIKI I DON'T KNOW EITHER

secretbruises (2:42:53 AM): I WISH I DID

secretbruises (2:42:56 AM): BUT I DON'T.

secretbruises (2:43:05 AM): did you read this? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/21423992.html

nipperkinny (2:47:28 AM): hahaha!

secretbruises (2:47:32 AM): i know!

nipperkinny (2:48:19 AM): this person wrote a fucking erotic novel

nipperkinny (2:48:22 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/sfc/cas/24096130.html

secretbruises (2:49:01 AM): "We�d get in and I put on some music and light a candle." i'm sold

secretbruises (2:49:48 AM): "I slowly slide down your body and pull off your clothes kissing you along the way pausing as I get to your pussy so that I can give her a proper introduction to my soft warm lips. "

secretbruises (2:49:54 AM): this dood listens to jon mayer.

nipperkinny (2:51:23 AM): haha

secretbruises (2:51:44 AM): shit, after reading this *i* want to fuck this girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/21204849.html

secretbruises (2:52:58 AM): maybe she'll marry me?

nipperkinny (2:54:15 AM): seriously. fuck.

secretbruises (2:54:41 AM): i know. i mean, i know i don't have a horse-gag cock, but like, i can buy a strap-on, however big she wants

secretbruises (2:54:54 AM): with a harness that is pink and says "elvis" in rhinestones.

nipperkinny (2:56:38 AM): haha

nipperkinny (2:58:26 AM): http://www.50shekel.com/

secretbruises (2:58:45 AM): sometimes, i hate jewish people, niki.

nipperkinny (2:58:56 AM): jessica

secretbruises (2:58:56 AM): i'm sorry, but like, jewish people? hello? we're not black

nipperkinny (2:58:57 AM): i am

nipperkinny (2:58:58 AM): so

nipperkinny (2:59:00 AM): sorry

secretbruises (2:59:02 AM): I'M SORRY, WE'RE NOT BLACK.

secretbruises (2:59:16 AM): please stop trying to be cool like black people are, BECAUSE WE ARE NOT.

secretbruises (2:59:45 AM): like, you and your pasty white jewface could not handle the oppression which breeds SUCH TOTAL AND AWESOME FIERCENESS OF AWESOMEOSITY.

secretbruises (2:59:49 AM): and neither can i.

secretbruises (3:00:03 AM): so, like, eat your bagel, ask the four questions, be sad about the holocaust.

secretbruises (3:00:06 AM): BUT STOP TRYING TO RAP

secretbruises (3:00:56 AM): it wasn't cool when it was 2 live jews (my dad actually had the rocks to GIVE ME THAT AS A GIFT WHEN IT CAME OUT) and it's not cool now. thanks.

secretbruises (3:01:34 AM): dood. be stoked about mel brooks and the fact that we control the media. STOP TRYING TO RAP.

secretbruises (3:01:34 AM): thanks.

nipperkinny (3:02:08 AM): hahahahahaha

secretbruises (3:02:23 AM): dood. it's embarrassing.

secretbruises (3:02:27 AM): it's really fucking embarrassing.

secretbruises (3:02:28 AM): ok?

secretbruises (3:02:55 AM): god, i need to like, eat some mayonaise or something gentile like that. remove myself from 50 shekel and his unholy CRAPPINESS.

nipperkinny (3:03:05 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/pen/cas/24093556.html

secretbruises (3:04:01 AM): THAT IS PERFECT

secretbruises (3:04:08 AM): i'll go and get myself drenched in fratboy cum

nipperkinny (3:04:09 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/eby/cas/24093533.html

nipperkinny (3:04:14 AM): jesus christ

secretbruises (3:04:18 AM): BECAUSE NO JEWISH GIRL HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

nipperkinny (3:04:19 AM): what is wrong with this world?

secretbruises (3:04:40 AM): ESPECIALLY NOT AT SCHOOLS LIKE BRANDEIS OR UCLA OR LIKE, EVERY SCHOOL WHERE JEWS FLOCK, WHICH WASN'T MY SCHOOL.

secretbruises (3:05:17 AM): my favorite part is how they spelled "jizz" "giz". is that nitpicky, to notice that?

secretbruises (3:05:26 AM): shouldn't i just be like, THANKFUL that they posted that?

secretbruises (3:05:58 AM): two young hot 19 yr doods with lots of giz. all i need now is a case of natty ice and i'll call in sick in the morning.

nipperkinny (3:06:08 AM): ljfdasjkfldjkfjdkl;as

nipperkinny (3:06:11 AM): TWINS no less

secretbruises (3:06:31 AM): oh shit. i think i just came.

later:

nipperkinny (3:07:52 AM): hahaha

secretbruises (3:08:17 AM): dood. i am so bitter now, about The Jewish Problem.

nipperkinny (3:08:41 AM): i am sorry jessica

nipperkinny (3:08:46 AM): i didn't mean to make you so upset

secretbruises (3:08:51 AM): i read about this movie that the hot hot hot adam goldbergenmendenstein or what ever the fuck his name in starred in

secretbruises (3:08:54 AM): i read about it on salon

secretbruises (3:09:07 AM): and how this director is trying to make a new genre, jewsploitation

secretbruises (3:09:10 AM): and like, wtf

secretbruises (3:09:53 AM): like, if i were black, i'd want to kick his ass so far into next century, where the earth won't even exist because we're going to blow up the world in like three years

secretbruises (3:10:25 AM): and then Mr Jewsploitation will have to be like berges merideth, or however you spell his name, i am so pissed off now i can't even look, where he's the only one left in the world

secretbruises (3:10:35 AM): and like, he's on the steps of the library and his glasses break

nipperkinny (3:10:49 AM): what is wrong with people?

secretbruises (3:10:53 AM): HE'LL BE LIKE THAT, EXCEPT HIS GLASSES BREAKING WILL BE THE LACK OF PEOPLE TO RECOGNIZE HOW COOL AND IRONIC HE IS

secretbruises (3:10:57 AM): i fucking hate that guy, ok?

secretbruises (3:10:59 AM): i am all wound up.

secretbruises (3:11:50 AM): i hope, and this is a sincere hope that i should probably save for the kids who are in the make-a-wish foundation program, but i sincerely hope that all ironic hipster assholes one day find themselves in a truckstop on the border of nebraska and iowa

secretbruises (3:12:20 AM): and i hope, in that truck stop, there are like 60 truckers (i can't stop bringing it back to truckers tonight--i don't know why) in there with real live non-ironic mesh caps

secretbruises (3:12:41 AM): and i hope the truckers are all hopped up on mini thins and "tina"

secretbruises (3:13:13 AM): and i hope, i sincerely hope, that they get gangfucked by the truckers while something awesome and ironic like, shit i don't know, fischerspooner or something, is playing

secretbruises (3:13:28 AM): and that they use their meshcaps to wipe up their torn assholes.

secretbruises (3:14:04 AM): i'm writing santa now. i know it's february, but i'll be good all year.

secretbruises (3:14:25 AM): and it'll be my first entreaty to st nick, he has to answer, right?

nipperkinny (3:14:26 AM): whoah. you are out of control right now!

secretbruises (3:14:37 AM): i can't help it

nipperkinny (3:14:41 AM): i think it is required that he answer, yes

secretbruises (3:14:45 AM): irony is so fucking bad and not cool. and like

secretbruises (3:14:52 AM): to have jews, JEWS, partake

secretbruises (3:14:56 AM): it's just so fucking shameful

secretbruises (3:15:27 AM): niki, i'm on the verge of blowing shit up.

secretbruises (3:15:33 AM): i should take some melatonin or something.

nipperkinny (3:16:12 AM): yeah., you need to CHILL OUT

secretbruises (3:16:14 AM): but seriously, have you heard fischerspooner? that shit sucks so bad.

nipperkinny (3:16:14 AM): heh

nipperkinny (3:16:19 AM): no

nipperkinny (3:16:24 AM): what do they sound like?

secretbruises (3:17:09 AM): they sound like 19 yr old girls at the mall wearing legwarmers and torn sweatshirts like flashdance just came out or something. it was bad when it was 83, it's even worse when it's 2003/2004.

secretbruises (3:17:10 AM): thanks.

nipperkinny (3:20:12 AM): oh.. they're girls?

secretbruises (3:20:22 AM): no, they're a dood

secretbruises (3:20:26 AM): but girls love them

secretbruises (3:20:38 AM): and wear bad striped shirt and neon headbands and listen to them

secretbruises (3:21:03 AM): and the doods who like them should just listen to bronski beat or the communards and just come out already. like,

secretbruises (3:21:40 AM): if you're fantasizing about your best dood friend while your 17 yr old girlfriend learns how to go down on you, you should just go fuck your best friend.

secretbruises (3:21:52 AM): because that girl's gonna have a complex when you come out next year.

nipperkinny (3:27:37 AM): heh

nipperkinny (3:28:07 AM): i am fascinated by what people think will get them some action.. i mean.. maybe it does.. i don't know how, personally since i want to spit on every one of these people

secretbruises (3:28:19 AM): maybe they're into that

secretbruises (3:28:27 AM): THEY ARE POSTING FOR SEX ON CRAIGSLIST AFTERALL.

nipperkinny (3:28:33 AM): maybe i mean.. i don't know how

nipperkinny (3:28:33 AM): but

secretbruises (3:28:55 AM): people fall in love with tractors, niki

secretbruises (3:29:10 AM): IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME (read: once in japan)

secretbruises (3:29:21 AM): i know you know it's true, we read about it at tower in that AMOK book.

nipperkinny (3:32:10 AM): i found my man

nipperkinny (3:32:15 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/sby/cas/24087780.html

secretbruises (3:32:16 AM): HOT!!

secretbruises (3:33:12 AM): helllllllllllllllloooooooo daddy.

nipperkinny (3:33:22 AM): exactly

secretbruises (3:33:34 AM): i think i really did mess my pants that time.

nipperkinny (3:33:51 AM): i understand

nipperkinny (3:33:54 AM): how could you not?

secretbruises (3:34:15 AM): dood. what the fuck is a sybian?

nipperkinny (3:34:35 AM): i have no idea.. but who cares!

secretbruises (3:34:42 AM): HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

secretbruises (3:35:08 AM): i'm crying now. hold me.

oh god, this can go on forever. and it does:

secretbruises (3:36:58 AM): i'm pretty sure we're the funniest people in the world.

nipperkinny (3:37:37 AM): heh

nipperkinny (3:37:55 AM): this should be in a movie

nipperkinny (3:37:58 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/eby/cas/24086316.html

nipperkinny (3:38:11 AM): with the realtor played by shooter mcgavin

nipperkinny (3:38:14 AM): oh god yes

nipperkinny (3:38:18 AM): so.. horrifying

secretbruises (3:38:20 AM): HAHAHHAHAAH

secretbruises (3:38:21 AM): crap

secretbruises (3:38:36 AM): "You are dressed sexy and smell great also"

secretbruises (3:38:51 AM): what if i am dressed comfortably and kinda smell like i washed 3 days ago?

nipperkinny (3:38:55 AM): hahaha

nipperkinny (3:39:13 AM): you are dressed poorly and smell like poop

secretbruises (3:39:47 AM): "you haven't washed your ass for 4 days--does this make you as wet as it makes me hard?"

nipperkinny (3:40:06 AM): oh my god

nipperkinny (3:40:24 AM): i want to suck your dirty stinky toes

nipperkinny (3:40:37 AM): i want to lick the jam in between them

secretbruises (3:40:38 AM): dood. i dream about some dood saying to that me

secretbruises (3:40:43 AM): in valentine's hearts

secretbruises (3:40:45 AM): is that wrong?

nipperkinny (3:41:06 AM): nah

secretbruises (3:41:12 AM): phew!

nipperkinny (3:41:26 AM): this, however.. i mean.. come on friend. i'm not buying what you're selling.

nipperkinny (3:41:28 AM): http://www.craigslist.org/sfc/cas/24085888.html

nipperkinny (3:41:46 AM): please.. "with palms pressed together"

nipperkinny (3:41:53 AM): i'll kick your fucking ass you pussy

secretbruises (3:42:03 AM): dood

secretbruises (3:42:17 AM): that's like the 2004 version of "i leave on my ship tomorrow for war"

nipperkinny (3:42:25 AM): yeah

nipperkinny (3:42:42 AM): only in the bay area.. "i'm going to become a buddhist monk tomorrow"

secretbruises (3:42:51 AM): HAHAHAHHA

secretbruises (3:43:05 AM): dood, if he had said he was going into semenary, i would have so BEEN IN

nipperkinny (3:43:09 AM): yeah. some great monk you're going to be, cap't dickerson

secretbruises (3:43:14 AM): or rather, he would have "been in", if you know what i'm sayin'

secretbruises (3:43:23 AM): i have a de-frocking fantasy.

nipperkinny (3:43:28 AM): i know you do

secretbruises (3:43:31 AM): it's the white collar, i think.

nipperkinny (3:43:34 AM): i, on the other hand, do not

nipperkinny (3:43:40 AM): priests freak me out

secretbruises (3:43:50 AM): i'd like to point out my awesome unintentional pun

secretbruises (3:44:03 AM): "semenary" should be "seminary", shouldn't it?

secretbruises (3:44:20 AM): but. if it really is "semenary", i just came like 10,000 times.

nipperkinny (3:44:32 AM): "I might like to show you how I like to fuck inanimate objects as well"

nipperkinny (3:44:40 AM): uhh..

secretbruises (3:44:46 AM): whoah--did i miss that in the buddhist's post?

nipperkinny (3:44:49 AM): i might like to call you a freak

nipperkinny (3:44:51 AM): no

secretbruises (3:44:55 AM): oh, ok

secretbruises (3:45:02 AM): i think we found a real-doll lover there.

nipperkinny (3:45:12 AM): jessica

nipperkinny (3:45:15 AM): i want a real doll

secretbruises (3:45:18 AM): why

secretbruises (3:45:19 AM): WHY

secretbruises (3:45:22 AM): oh god

secretbruises (3:45:27 AM): we're outside my comfort zone

nipperkinny (3:45:29 AM): i have no idea

nipperkinny (3:45:31 AM): hahahahahaha

secretbruises (3:45:34 AM): WE'RE OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE, PEOPLE

nipperkinny (3:45:41 AM): HAHAHAHA

secretbruises (3:45:42 AM): PLEASE PLACE YOUR TRAYS IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITION

nipperkinny (3:45:44 AM): dude

nipperkinny (3:45:49 AM): you want to FUCK A PRIEST

secretbruises (3:45:54 AM): i'm experiencing vertigo

nipperkinny (3:45:59 AM): !!

nipperkinny (3:46:01 AM): hahahahaha

secretbruises (3:46:05 AM): dood

secretbruises (3:46:07 AM): DON'T BLAME ME

secretbruises (3:46:32 AM): BLAME GEORGES BATAILLE AND ED NORTON PLAYING A PRIEST IN THAT GOD AWFUL MOVIE WITH BEN "I SHOULD ONLY EVER PLAY ZOOLANDER" STILLER

nipperkinny (3:47:31 AM): why do the real dolls have the ugliest faces ever? i mean.. you can make any face you want.. why not make hot ones?

secretbruises (3:47:37 AM): oh niki

secretbruises (3:47:39 AM): NIKI

secretbruises (3:47:43 AM): have you heard of "masking"?

secretbruises (3:47:47 AM): HAVE YOU HEARD OF MASKING?

secretbruises (3:48:03 AM): HELLO TO EVERY NIGHTMARE SLASH FANTASY OF AWESOMEOSITY I HAVE EVER HAD

secretbruises (3:48:06 AM): oh niki, have you?

nipperkinny (3:48:13 AM): it's paris hilton! http://www.realdoll.com/image/jenny/j006.jpg

nipperkinny (3:48:22 AM): what is masking?

secretbruises (3:48:27 AM): oh let me show you

secretbruises (3:48:35 AM): in retribution for giving me nightmares with that pic

nipperkinny (3:49:08 AM): doesn't it look like paris hilton?

nipperkinny (3:49:10 AM): that's the one i want

nipperkinny (3:49:16 AM): so i can beat the shit out of her

secretbruises (3:49:23 AM): http://www.maskon.com/Maskon/Friday-1.htm

secretbruises (3:49:25 AM): HAHAHAH

secretbruises (3:49:45 AM): can i film it if you do get her and beat the shit out of her?

secretbruises (3:49:54 AM): and could you, would you, wear a mask?

nipperkinny (3:50:10 AM): um

nipperkinny (3:50:12 AM): jessica?

secretbruises (3:50:14 AM): niki

nipperkinny (3:50:17 AM): what is going on here?

secretbruises (3:50:23 AM): this is my favorite: http://www.maskon.com/Maskon/images/dsc00025.jpg panty shot!!

secretbruises (3:50:42 AM): "Masks are a common theme in erotica and fetish-wear. In addition to the obvious gimp hoods, and bondage masks, there are stranger possibilities, such as gas masks (build your own!) and doll masks. Related to this relatively vanilla fetish is a stranger subculture of transvestites which incorporates creepy expressionless latex masks into their get-ups."

nipperkinny (3:51:13 AM): jessica: http://www.maskon.com/Maskon/images/dsc00054.jpg

secretbruises (3:51:27 AM): oh goodness

nipperkinny (3:51:50 AM): that is... oh god. i mean.. i

nipperkinny (3:51:52 AM): jessica

secretbruises (3:51:56 AM): niki

nipperkinny (3:52:00 AM): there are things in this world

secretbruises (3:52:04 AM): do you love me like 30,000 times more now?

nipperkinny (3:52:05 AM): that scare the living shit out of me

secretbruises (3:52:14 AM): me too. i'm serious now. hold me.

nipperkinny (3:52:18 AM): like.. people eating one another while they are alive

secretbruises (3:52:25 AM): niki

nipperkinny (3:52:27 AM): and transvestites in latex masks