since i woke up yesterday i have been having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. in a surprising turn of events, most of my nervousness doesn't really have anything to do with my current jobless position.

rather, it's the complete terror i feel that i have somehow become so people-broken since i have been here that i simply will not be able to recover. that from now on i can't relate to people face to face, that i need a phone or a computer between myself and another person to feel comfortable enough to talk to them.

since i've been here, i have found myself in situation after situation that indicates that i have forgotten how to be around people. even people i really want to be around. just can't do it comfortably.

i am always slightly panicked.

the last time i had a real hug from someone was when my brother left for the airport.

the last time i talked to someone face to face who has known me more than a few months was in august.

the last time i went out with someone for a beer was before that.

the last time i felt comfortable in any situation with other people was when i was in california.

the last time i had someone call me to hang out that i didn't ask first was when i was in california.

what if i have become someone who is simply unbefriendable? what if i am just too weird now?

what if my nervous hands make people uncomfortable? what if i smell funny?

can a really incredibly bad and lonely seven months really mark you like that?

if this is the case, it doesn't matter where i go, if i don't go home, i will always be lonely and weird and not have any friends. if i go home then i know there is at least jon and when i am with him my hands are never nervous and he never cares if i smell funny.

but i am not going home, i can't yet.

thankfully, jason will be in seattle and we will be together again.

but what if my weirdness drives him away? it'll be an adjustment for us to live together again no matter how much we want to live with each other.