2003-07-13 & 5:09 p.m. : writing letters to oregon in the dark, 430pm
the view from my bed, 430 pm
***update***
today has been so quiet, almost more quiet than yesterday. i slept through half the day, then spent hours laying on my bed in the almost dark, thinking and trying to figure things out.
i made myself get up and clean my room like i had promised. i didn't really mess anything up in the last week, so i just dusted and cleaned my window sill and the shelf-thing above my bed. i even dusted all my cups and candles and bottles. i cleaned my desk and dusted it and made my bed. i sewed my backpack and folded the whites that i washed and bleached last week, but couldn't muster up the motivation to fold and were instead just shoved into a milk crate in my closet. i cleaned towels and changed my pillow cases.
for the first time in my life i am understanding people who clean when they are upset. there is something very calming about designating a place for an object and placing it there. there is a certain satisfaction in wiping things down and seeing glass shine.
i talked to my mother on the phone and we are both lonely.
i talked to my brother on the phone and told him i often think about moving to oakland because i miss him, my sister and niki so much; that is, after over a year of not being home, i miss the feeling of being with people with whom i have history.
i am not like those who get a charge and refreshment out of meeting new people and cultivating new relationships. rather, i am usually exhausted after hanging out with people i don't know well, even if i have a good time.
i find the whole project nerve-wracking and i don't know if this means that there is something wrong with me or if that is simply how i am and that it's ok that i'm that way.
knowing this about myself, why did i ever leave california? i don't know. i know that it was something that i had to do, and that i am glad i did it.
i am not sure, however, if being away from home is good for me anymore. now, i am certainly not making plans to move from seattle anytime soon. first of all, i really love it up here. it's beautiful and i have never been so comfortable in a city as i am here. my job is ok and i have fun a lot of the time.
but good christ do i miss being with my family, being with people who know me with history and love me exactly how i am, who don't pressure me or pick at me, who don't disappear or threaten to disappear at any given time.
i am hoping that my brother coming up will refresh me and give me a second wind. i am hoping that the few-week-long reprieve will be enough to carry me through until i feel comfortable here again.
it's been so long since i have felt comfortable anywhere, if i ever have.
today has been so quiet, almost more quiet than yesterday. i slept through half the day, then spent hours laying on my bed in the almost dark, thinking and trying to figure things out.
i made myself get up and clean my room like i had promised. i didn't really mess anything up in the last week, so i just dusted and cleaned my window sill and the shelf-thing above my bed. i even dusted all my cups and candles and bottles. i cleaned my desk and dusted it and made my bed. i sewed my backpack and folded the whites that i washed and bleached last week, but couldn't muster up the motivation to fold and were instead just shoved into a milk crate in my closet. i cleaned towels and changed my pillow cases.
for the first time in my life i am understanding people who clean when they are upset. there is something very calming about designating a place for an object and placing it there. there is a certain satisfaction in wiping things down and seeing glass shine.
i talked to my mother on the phone and we are both lonely.
i talked to my brother on the phone and told him i often think about moving to oakland because i miss him, my sister and niki so much; that is, after over a year of not being home, i miss the feeling of being with people with whom i have history.
i am not like those who get a charge and refreshment out of meeting new people and cultivating new relationships. rather, i am usually exhausted after hanging out with people i don't know well, even if i have a good time.
i find the whole project nerve-wracking and i don't know if this means that there is something wrong with me or if that is simply how i am and that it's ok that i'm that way.
knowing this about myself, why did i ever leave california? i don't know. i know that it was something that i had to do, and that i am glad i did it.
i am not sure, however, if being away from home is good for me anymore. now, i am certainly not making plans to move from seattle anytime soon. first of all, i really love it up here. it's beautiful and i have never been so comfortable in a city as i am here. my job is ok and i have fun a lot of the time.
but good christ do i miss being with my family, being with people who know me with history and love me exactly how i am, who don't pressure me or pick at me, who don't disappear or threaten to disappear at any given time.
i am hoping that my brother coming up will refresh me and give me a second wind. i am hoping that the few-week-long reprieve will be enough to carry me through until i feel comfortable here again.
it's been so long since i have felt comfortable anywhere, if i ever have.
