yesterday? the day that elliott smith killed himself?

it was the 34th anniversary of jack kerouac's death.

october 21st, 1969.

the year elliott smith was born.

what in the fuck, man.

in other news,

i am just feeling worse and worse by the minute.

i've started really hating people. that is the worst feeling, actually not being able to stand the thought of people. the general public, i mean. just the thought of going to work has made me feel like shit all over.

and then, i started crying while i was driving home. i never cry. i mean, i feel the crying on the inside, but nothing comes out.

but this time, tears a plenty.

i feel like half a person. i don't even know what it is to be genuine anymore.

i have lied out of shame, i have kept things too close to the chest. i work at a job where i have to act contrary to how i feel constantly.

i wonder what this does to my psyche.

i just don't know what the alternative would be.

i seriously hate writing haiku, but i know that's not the point.

i just wish i could figure out what i want to do. and then how to do what i want to do.

and i'm sure my friends are sick of hearing how miserable i am, and it's my fault anyhow, i'm the one who moved away. i put myself in the position to be lonely, etc.

but jesus, it fucking sucks.

my sister is coming this weekend, i hope that energizes me.