"i did not like that. you got to me. you hurt my feelings."

short of someone physically assaulting me it can take months before i will own up to that shit, if i ever do.

there's about 4 people on this earth that i trust enough that i'll tell them that they have hurt my feelings or gotten to me in any way without fear of reprisal.

everyone else, i am quaking in my boots, even if i don't say it, that my admission will be seen as a chink in my armor, a soft spot in my fontanelle, a bright red target and a roadmap by which to find a place to cut me down in the future.

because in the future, you may want to hurt me.

there are about 4 people on this earth that i trust will not want to hurt me in the future.

jonathan, abigail, niki and my mom.

that's the lot of you, the whole of the people who have held me like a broken winged bird in their hands and bandaged me better.

not too bad, i think. 4 is more than 3.

so when it happens that i am able to summon the courage to come clean to anyone other than the fantastic 4, i am set on edge and thrown akimbo.

and i don't want to sleep.

so

i went for a drive.

there's no one out this late who doesn't draw a lonely figure against the empty storefronts. there's no one driving who isn't a taxi driver or a group of young people too dumb to not be driving intoxicated. the bars closed over an hr ago, and the drunks have stumbled far enough home that the streets look lonely, abandoned, too quiet.

and watching it all is me, driving around listening to husker du and driving circles around city blocks, swerving to avoid potholes, eyes too wide even though sore and sleepy, jaw tight and lip swollen from biting too hard for no good reason at all.

when i stopped at the gas station to not get gas i watched people walk circles around fuel pumps and blow steam like smoke rings while they laughed.

i watched a congress of taxi drivers laughing and speaking i think ethiopian. they were animated, smiling easily and tiredly at 330am. i wished i was the kind of girl who had a secret fund to buy them all hot chocolate from the quickie mart, and maybe a sandwich before the bread was too soggy to want to eat.

i saw a girl who looked like a strip-o-gram in high heels and short leather coat. i worried about her ankles on the uneven pavement. i wished i was the kind of girl who could have caught her arm before she fell, opening my hoodie to keep her warm because the leather coat didn't cover her enough.

there was a boy shining a flashlight into his engine and i wished i was the kind of girl who knew how to help him. i would have fixed his frustration for him in my pjammas, scarf pulled around my neck and mouth, leaning over on slipper tip toes to make things better, leaving greasy handprints on the hood of his car when i was done.

i wished it were late enough that the birds at least were talking to me, but then i remembered that i couldn't remember the last time i heard early morning birds, maybe i'm too far north.

somehow i doubt it. i'm probably not paying close enough attention.

when i pulled into my alley i saw that the lights were on in my neighbor's bay window. he has colored bottles lined along his windowsil.