it usually means friends and late nights and making things and shivering in doorways for cigarettes and cupping coffee in our hands while the steam fogs up our glasses.

it means porches and howling wind and

it doesn't mean lonely and it doesn't mean heartbroken and it doesn't mean ice or dirty apts.

everytime i think of going out i know it will be alone and i'd really rather stay in.

my fingernails are so dirty today and my back is sore.

the extra sleep felt good, i woke up early and laid in bed, watching the ceiling with it's perfect white-grey.

but now autumn is really setting in and it's so lonely.

i don't want to think i made a mistake in trusting, but i sure feel like a fool's been made of me.

it's so hard not to blame myself.

the shitty thing is, i don't even know what i'm blaming myself for.

ultimately, maybe i'm just blaming myself for, on some cellular level, being made to be alone. wired for that.

now, i don't even know what i would do with a kind hand or a friendly smile.