the grey sky here is an entirely different than the grey sky in california. here, it is completely flat. even if you can make out the white clouds of factories against the grey dishwater of the sky, it still looks flat, like there never was such thing as the sun. it keeps my days in a kind of unreality because the day never goes anywhere but dark.
i don't mind it, though, i just miss the mountains breaking up the sky.
today, i am going to eat the only thanksgiving meal i will have this year. the company hosts a thanksgiving meal the week before the real tday each year and today is it. i will get free turkey and all the trimmings on my half hour lunch and sit with whomever is around and enjoy my free meal and not think about the fact that next tday i will have nothing going on and no one to sit with and what i'll most likely be doing is cleaning my apt in case i do have a visitor the next day.
let's hope that by the time i go there for my late lunch it's not all gone. this happens a lot.
that would be highly depressing.
you know what's not depressing though? kim said she might bring me indian food when she comes. man that would rock. i haven't had anything good like that for months and months. sometimes i treat myself to vietnamese food for dinner, but most of the time it's mac & cheese or sometime comparable. i know how to cook, sort of, but i rarely bother to do it for myself.
maybe i'll get vietnamese food tonight.
i have been listening to so much spoken word lately that everything that comes out of my mouth is now in the cadence and with the force of some bullshit spoken word artist because i cannot, for love or money, not pick up the speech patterns of the people i listen to. it's retarded. but it's true.
so lately, i rant.
like last night i talked to my mother and the poor woman had to listen to me talk for a half hour about politics, which is something i never do because it's such a big amorphous wasp nest of evil since everything's fucked and i think everything will continue to be fucked forever and all we can hope for is that it's a bit less fucked than it is right now, but anyway, she sat and listened and said some smart things.
but the point is i couldn't help myself, i just talked and talked and talked and talked.
part of it, i think, is the fact that for months now i don't really say anything to anyone, unless i'm at work and then i am just talking about leases until my mouth is dry.
but oustide of work i don't really have anyone to talk to, and it's this fucked up existence where the weekend can go by and the only person i talk to will be the lady at the news stand where i buy my cigarettes.
i guess something in me's broke and the last few days i can't keep myself from talking if given the chance.
when i talked to my brother the night before last, i talked for an hour straight like a raving ranting lunatic and he just laughed and then, when i stopped long enough to take a breath he said very soberly,
"jesus. we need to get you out of there, as soon as fucking possible. i have never heard you more insane and more miserable and more fucked up in my whole life. it fucking kills me that you're stuck out there."
and i was just like, "yep, i'm going mental, it sucks pretty bad. but, you know, i'm getting out so it's ok."
and now, after a 2am phone call that whipped me out of sleep slightly panicked it is confirmed:
i will be leaving iowa by the end of the first week of january.
