today i, along with two of my bosses and the Co-Worker, was taken to lunch by a top dawg in the company to celebrate her birthday and it was just corporate people as far as the themed-restaurant-eye could see. and we were sitting on these obnoxious high chairs that were giving me the business left and right. if i sat back, i would slide down because the cushion was really smooth and slick-like; my feet were about 1/4 inch away from the foot bar, so i had nothing to counter balance me. so, i had to sit forward so that my feet would be on the foot bar, but that was uncomfortable.
you know how my dad's all fucked up and stuff and he has like 23543523452345 medical problems, one of which is a painful musculo-skeletal (i think i made up that word, and as such, i can spell it however i feel like it. .) disease? you know how he's all fidgety and stuff because if he holds in one place too long he starts to hurt and hurt and hurt? well, i looked like my dad, shifting around and not stopping the whole meal.
it made me hyper aware of myself and not at all comfortable with my co-workers.
that feeling lingered after lunch and then was magnified when, on the way home they started chanting (why they started chanting i don't know because i wasn't paying attention. rather i was looking out the car window at the bay and the big twist of highways in the macarthur maze) "who let the dogs out, etc".
i was...horrified. my cheeks actually burned and i was glad that i had on my sunglasses.
all that kept running through my head was, who are these people? what am i doing in this car? why do they think that is fun? what was that weird smell?
and in true david byrne fashion,
"well, how did i get here?"
it's a strange thing to have a 25 second accelerated existential crisis, in public no less.
so, when we got back to the office building i hid in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes.
then i came back to my desk and i have been listening to them and it's making me ache for autumn more and more and more.
it's the smell, and the softness of the light, and the cold mornings.
and the hot apple cider!
but it's also making me think about...you know, last autumn. and all the stuff that happened. and you leaving. and the art and the letters letters letters and the longing and the new job and the old friend and the music and paint falling all over me. and the late phone calls and the whispered soft soft soft, and the wet eyelashes and the fear of that and just
everything.
and more than once i just kind of stopped and listened and really wished with everything in me that i was home and alone and curled up in bed, dreaming of my friends in the desert.
